A Post-Tragedy Reckoning
The baby to toddler metamorphosis is quick.
At 37, I’m well into my third decade of life, and with that comes some hard-earned wisdom and the looming realization that I have pretty much arrived at “midlife.” It’s funny, because I remember thinking that being in my 30’s was ancient when I was in my early 20’s. It also felt so far away. As I age, time seems to compress, and my 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s feel frighteningly near (objectively speaking, 40 is pretty close). As my mother passed when she was only 70, it’s harrowing to think that at my age she would have already been more than halfway through life. Watching her death up close was an unfortunate catalyst for me to reexamine my own life. We all see stories of people - and sometimes know them - who lose their lives much earlier. Sadly, I have friends who have already passed away by way of sheer bad luck - in their 30’s! One thing has become ever clearer with each passing tragedy - life can be horribly, devastatingly unfair. Until tragedy is close to us, we spectate with sympathy, but we don’t understand it on the same level until we experience it.
The fact is, tomorrow is never guaranteed.
It’s a truth that we know in principle, yet don’t readily internalize. Society encourages us to prepare for “our future,” one that we have no idea even exists. Some people take this idea to the extreme and yolo their way through life, only to arrive woefully unprepared for the realities of aging. Statistically speaking, we will probably get to grow old, but we should not neglect to live today either - some of us perish before enjoying the fruits of our young labor.
Sometimes we don’t recognize the need for change until tragedy strikes. For instance, it’s common to neglect our health until something drastic occurs. Or we realize that our career and financial choices make it impossible to retire comfortably or retire at all. Or we realize we chose the wrong partner when they don’t show up in times of hardship. It takes time to learn things and time does not slow down for us to learn.
I’ve made many mistakes throughout my life and have my fair share of regret. When I was a younger person with plenty of insecurities, not having really “made my way” in life yet, I had a subconsciously performative attitude. In other words, I was self absorbed AF. That’s normal when you’re young and still on that self-discovery journey. But at some point, your words and actions become you, or, as they say, you are what you repeatedly do. And that identity can become harder and harder to change - who hasn’t complained about a stubborn old person? I want my brain to retain neuroplasticity so I can better adapt to life’s inevitable changes and challenges.
I repeatedly have nightmares and dreams about my mother’s passing. Four months into mourning, I’ve found that what has helped me get through the days has been the people I surround myself with. I’ve received just tremendous support from my loved ones and my family. And it has never been more evident that my difficult, gut-wrenching choice to get off the fence was the correct one. My daughter does not know this tragedy yet, but she is full of wonder for the world. Choosing to have her, the privilege that it is, was an expression of hope for the future.
How can we get through the days without that?
